Christmas for an Agnostic

My first Yuletide as an agnostic. Although, I have not come out to my parents, because I just began this belief four months ago, but it is sweet to express it to my friends and acquaintances. 

This is my third Christmas, spending it by myself because, I lost belief in the celebration. The belief, honestly, has not fetched me an advantage, because my focus has been doubled up between religiosity and free thought. 

When I bring on platform the discussion of religion between people who have the same Abrahamic beliefs, they think I am possessed, or they say, “God is preparing you for a good thing. You will change and exalt the name of the Lord.” I may smile, or laugh, or even, frown in argument with them. It is not that I don’t have a belief, it is just that I can’t believe the general way other people do. My belief doesn’t ridicule or annihilate my existence as human.

A lot of people have argued the existence of God with me, and I undoubtedly oppose them through the thesis they base my life upon. I have told a lot of people about how their religion or God doesn’t define me. I have told them the series of encounters to buttress my opposition.

At a location, while all the cast and crew prayed, I looked at them and laughed, mostly. There was this day that Peter prayed with them, and I couldn’t just hold myself to talk. “Father, don’t let us lose any equipment, in Jesus name, ” like it was him who would cause cearlessness. So, everybody responded, except me, “Amen!” Damilola called me a devil and a person who causes other people to sin. 

I was being watched, like I was acting, by strangers whom later met us at the location. One of them said, after we’ve rounded up the production, “Let him come kneel in before us, we have to pray for him.” I said it wasn’t me who needed prayer, because I had seen nothing wrong with me. He laughed and said I was funny.

The idea of agnostics celebrating Christmas is quite weird. I think, since Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ’s religion is what I am trying to avoid, why do I have to celebrate him? Isn’t it ironical to be agnostic and also celebrate Christmas? I sure do can have my festivity to celebrate my belief, and worship my instinct. Why should it be when the Christ is born? 

I was at a carol yesterday, with Daniel, Dammy, and Peter. I wasn’t fascinated about the church, but my friends that were around. And there was a time when the praises gave me the hallucination of Paradise, the one I didn’t believe existed. I cried as I sang. I thought of Ogechi, my mother’s friend’s daughter who gave up the ghost on Friday, at age 12. I cried harder. The humanity in me was struggling with the songs of worship. Nobody noticed I cried, but my eyes were baggy, filled with sorrowful tears. Dammy thought I wasn’t aware of the environment because I frequently played with my fingers or typed my phone or stared on and on at the Choir, especially one of them, the lady with the fair skin, black and gold, tiny braids; with a tight, fitting skirt, and an African-print ankara top, who was dancing at the hip hop song played from the next building of the church, who caught my attention. 

I want to feel my decision with agnosticism would never be a mistake. It is not appearing to me as being carefree. I am recently taken as a spiritual being- a wizard- who is just initiated in some spiritual realm. 

Two weeks ago, my mother invited a celestial pastor who said I was in a coven because I didn’t close my eyes and laughed all through the prayer session. He said I was going to die soon, and my mother was terrified. I went through exorcism, the pastor beating my chest for the evil to escape, the noisy prayers. It wasn’t something good, but, of course, interesting. 

My mind has been made up to believe in my existence, which is something I am not fearing. I won’t celebrate Christmas because people are celebrating, I will celebrate, rather, what I believe in. I can spend Christmas with you, but I can’t, by myself, because I am agnostic, and my journey being this has just begun.

To everyone who is celebrating this season, I send my greetings.

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